The real way to win friends and influence people

The real way to win friends and influence people
I wanted to write the antithesis to Carnegie Carnegie’s, How to Win Friends and Influence People because of the company that I work for. From the moment that I walked in and was handed a copy of the book I thought, here we go let the brainwashing begin.

In all fairness it was my first time reading the book that I had heard so much about, mainly through the media and from a few of my mentors. Of course considering who my mentors were I had always thought that I should avoid anything that would make me anything even remotely like them. But alas, here I was, my first day of training at a large, highly respected distributor of electronic components, with a copy of a book I had vowed to avoid shoved in front of my face and told that I had to become acquainted with it.

After devouring the 4 part, 30 lessons book I was enthused about Carnegie Carnegie’s master plan on how to win friends and influence people. Brilliant, I thought. I’m going to apply all these principles and be a star in both my professional and personal life. HA! Was I ever wrong!

The book is a great insight insofar as it opens your mind to an entire world of human characteristics. In truth if these rules were followed, by everyone the world would be a much better place. The unfortunate part is that the only people who are told to follow these principles are the masses, the average John and Mary, you and I. I came to the realization that the book had been designed by the wolves and given to the sheep to encourage them not to complain as they were being eaten. This came about, as I observed, not only the behavior in the upper echelons at my company, but also the behavior of the upper echelon worldwide. Let’s face it, the rules are not the same for the rich, famous, and powerful as they are for the average, ordinary human being.

Just out of a sense of absolute cynicism about this devious double standard, I set out to write a few points on the real way to win friends and influence people. From that sprang an entire book and only because I did not want to be taken seriously. I aimed to be funny just in case I was being surreptitiously observed, after all, it has been known to happen in more than one organization. Through the deliberate deception of trying to be funny, a few people who had an inside peek at my work actually laughed and said I should write a book about this. So that’s what I did.


Disclaimer #1
Real life does not always follow a pattern so a few of my rules that seem contradictory are not. Everything has a time and place, so do these rules of engagement.

Disclaimer #2
Remember that this book is written tongue in cheek, humor is the only real intention. I will not accept any responsibility for any moron that goes out and attempts some of the more risqué suggestions and fails or goes to jail. Use-your-head-stupid!

Disclaimer #3
Before making any decisions remember the golden rule, do unto others, as you would have them do unto you. If you can handle it then so can they.

The first Dale principle I wish to target is the principle of not criticizing, condemning or complaining. In theory, these are great ideas, and if equally applied across the human spectrum, the world would be a much better place. I don’t believe them to be absolutes. There are good ways to criticize and bad ways, good ways to complain,etc. I’m going to go over the larger concept of why it’s ok to criticize, complain and condemn, and then I will follow that with little ideas of when, where, how, and what are good times to criticize condemn and complain and when to refrain.

Criticize
This is Carnegies first rule in the first section (don’t criticize, condemn, or complain) of his book How to Win Friends and Influence People. I agree with the principle, but don’t believe it accurately reflects real life. Criticism, this is just the kind of thing that some people need, to get themselves off their fat, lazy ass to do something. Motivation is a key factor for us humans, and criticism is a big part of it. How many times has a criticism been the catalyst for your self-improvement? How many times has self-criticism forced you to move and make changes in your life? Oh, I’m too this or oh I’m too that and then you go about to change your behavior or amend your attitude.

How many times has your criticism done the same for someone else? You may not have noticed it, because they may never tell you- just as you probably kept your hurt feelings from them when they criticized you. How many times have those stinging rebukes haunted you? How many times have you suffered the burden of those judgements that you felt were unfairly applied? How many times have you thought, I’ll show them!
Criticizing does not have to be an adventure in sadomasochism. Criticizing does not always have to be a negative. As often as you want to dish the dirt, is as often as you should be willing to compliment and pacify. The critic’s duty is to tell it like it is, for good or ill.

Most of us only think of critics in a negative sense. A critical evaluation can be bad, good, or a combination of the two. Most of us though, are conditioned to hear only the bad, and because of this, we tend to eliminate any good criticisms from our repertoire. How many times does your boss nit-pick the minor details while glossing over the tremendous amount of energy and dedication you donate to the company? How many times can someone look at your time sheet and say you were five minutes late here and there without ever noticing that you worked 57 hours that week?

If you’re too stupid to be able to criticize someone in such a way that you don’t completely tear them down and send them off to the mental hospital then follow Carnegie’s command and not do it. Unless you are a mean bastard and your only goal is to influence, and control the person that you are criticizing, then use your power judiciously. But if you really are a savage, at least try to salvage a bit of decorum, and the person’s sanity, by saying, boohoo, did I make you cry?


Condemn

Really, don’t condemn? It’s virtually an art form in western society, we can’t give it up now! Once we have finished criticizing, if it happens to be negative, then the only thing to do, is to condemn. Go to a restaurant and hate the food, what do you do? Tell everyone that cares (or at least that will listen) about your opinion, that’s what! You go to a movie that you thoroughly did not enjoy, how many of your friends and associates are going to hear about it?
Fact is condemning is crucial to us as a society. It’s strange, but our society is built upon those two principles, we criticize, and then we condemn. What would be the point otherwise? Imagine a world where we are bold enough to let people know what they are doing wrong and right, but where there are no rewards or punishments. No carrots, no sticks! Goodness gracious, what would generations upon generations of middle-managers have done, how would they have survived. Ever been fired! Enough said!

How would the criminal justice system work without millions of lawyers and judges whose function it is, is to work out how to condemn? Imagine, Mr. So and So, you are guilty, but we do not condemn in this society because it might mean a burned bridge; so go forth and and sin no more. Ludicrous!
Now, don’t get me wrong, I get the nuance that Carnegie is speaking of, and in truth, I believe that the advice he gives is sound, but come on! A well place condemnation can do an awful lot of good.


Complain

Don’t complain, ya right! Funny how Carnegie goes on to complain about the complainers, but hey it’s tough not to do. Complaints, let’s look at complaints and all the good they have done.

Complaints brought us the seat belt
Complaints brought us the safety cap.
Complaints brought us a cleaner environment.
Complaints brought us better working conditions, etc, etc, etc.

Complaining has given us better lives, better products and better government. Companies even encourage people to complain in order to offer better service. When they don’t get them, they assume they are doing a great job even though it may be just fear stopping people from complaining.

As with the other techniques, don’t abuse this one. Choose your moments well, unless you really don’t care about the ramifications. Some people over-complain and while that will allow you to influence people, it will certainly win you no friends. Not to mention that, some people really are, cry babies and cannot handle legitimate complaints being directed at them.

The second part of How to Win Friend’s is the Six Ways To Make People Like You, of which of course there are six principles:

Become genuinely interested in other people;
Smile; Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language;
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves;
Talk in terms of the other person’s interests;
Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely.

In a perfect world I would love these principles- especially smile; everyone loves a smiley face. But even in Carnegie’s world these principles are, for the most part, impossible to implement, simply because if everyone followed them then no one would be saying anything, and if they did, all they would say is:

Person 1: you’re great!
Person 2: No, you’re great!
Person 1: No, really you’re the great one!
Person 2: No, I insist, you’re the truly great one!

Then they would fight to settle the issue.

I would agree with Carnegie on a few of these and here are MY reasons why:

Become genuinely interested in other people

Sometimes you may have to actually remember a birthday or two in order to schmooze someone. But the main thing is that in order to beat them, you have to know them. Whenever you have a chance to probe for their weaknesses grab it!

Some people are “genuinely” interested in finding out about someone, but we usually refer to them as stalkers and hit them with a restraining order. Don’t get too close to your subject if you have to whack them over the head with a well-placed lie later. If you have a conscience, you’re not going to feel good about it.

Smile

They will never see you coming if you’re smiling. What’s the harm, it’s easy to do and the most deceptive force in the galaxy. Smile and the world will smile along with you as you cleverly collect the cheques from them.

Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language

Remember that your name is the greatest name in the English language and you want everyone to know who to make the cheques out to. You want them screaming your name in reckless adulation. Listen to the sweet sounds of your name and SMILE.

Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely.



Be a Self -Promoter

Carnegie Carnegie said; “Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.” “Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.”
I would tell you to remember, that it’s all about you!

Remember to repeat everyday those words from the book, The Instant Millionaire, everyday in every way I am getting better and better. Remember also to tell as many people as you can that you are the best and that they better try harder because you are a fine wine getting better with age.

If you’re not going to toot your own horn, who will? Think about it, can you ever go into an interview and just sit there and not talk about yourself? If you have nothing interesting to say, you will not be picked, much less noticed. If you don’t let your accomplishments be known, nobody will know about them and then you will walk around wondering why. Tell people that you are the best, if they don’t believe you they will at least ask you for proof and that is the start of your influence over them. If it turns out that you suck, you can lie and make up a ton of excuses for your failures. If you’re single what do you say to a prospective mate? You tell them every single “good” attribute about yourself, sometimes using exaggeration, and you may even want to throw in a “negative” attribute if it will make you look “cooler”. So TOOT your horn, if you don’t, nobody else will. Actually, they will, once you’re rich and/or famous then you won’t need to toot anymore, your minions will accomplish that for you.

Next time you’re at a boring party, listening to boring people blather on about their dull lives, try a few of these to spice things up:

Exaggerate

People like to be entertained. When you speak exaggerate everything especially when it comes to your exploits. You didn’t sleep with just 1000 women when you were touring with your rock band on your private jet, you slept with 10000. Talk and act as though you are an expert on everything. Remember you are the best at whatever you do, or at the very least should have been the best, if you had been given the opportunity. Let me repeat, people like to be entertained and your outrageously exaggerated stories will be entertainment for them. They will listen to you if only to say, ya right, prove it! You may not be able to prove it but they will respect your story-telling abilities and crave more.

Be Loud

The squeaky wheel gets the oil

When you’re in a crowd who commands your ear? The loud ones that’s who! The louder you are the more attention you will get. Loud people are listened to. We may not agree with their opinions but we listen to them and that’s all part and parcel of being able to influence people. You may not win too many friends in the short term, but if you influence enough people the friends will follow.

Be Brash

This tactic can and is usually used hand in hand with “be loud”. It stands alone because to be brash does not always necessitate your voice. Body language can be used effectively on its own to display your brashness. The more brash and daring you are, the more respect you will garner from a general population that is meek and timid- you will be their hero. Try it some day, tell the establishment no! Teddy Roosevelt said it best, “walk softly and carry a big stick”. Think of all your favorite movie stars (especially action stars), athletes, musicians, they are all brash. Be like Billy Jack, be like Chuck Norris! Know you are good, feel it deep inside and let it flow through your very pores. Even if you’re just mediocre, people will like your style and flock to you.


Do What is Necessary

And not an inch more

Carnegie wants us to make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely. I agree. Do whatever it takes to make them like you and act as sincere as you possibly can while doing it. This is pretty vital if your goal is both to win friends and influence people. Mind you, just because they like you doesn’t mean that you’ll have any influence. Here are a few techniques that may help you on your quest:

Lie

Playing politics

The truth may not be required in every situation. Sometimes, a well-placed lie is better than a misplaced truth. If the truth will not further your cause then lie. We expect it from the rich and famous, we expect it from politicians. You cannot say that you want to change the world if you don’t know how to play the game on their field at their level. Let’s face it, a good liar can do a lot of good. They can make people feel bad or feel good depending on what the circumstances require. Besides do you think most people will have the energy required to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you told a lie? Of course not! Be careful with lies though, especially if you have a bad memory or too fickle a conscience.

Be Truthful

The best policy

The beautiful thing about always telling the truth is that people will believe you and take you at your word. This can be used in conjunction to set up the lie. If you always tell the truth, then the one time that you lie you will be believed. If you always lie, the one time that you tell the truth it will be greeted with severe skepticism, just ask the U.S. government
The truth is a powerful weapon in the wrong hands. It can be used to reduce people to a dithering mass of useless humanity wailing out for you to stop telling it. If you are too stupid to not know when to lie, then don’t use the truth either, just shut and play the dumb moron that you are. You are not the influencing kind and will only end up hurting the innocent.

Attack

Insults are very effective, they breakdown a person’s self esteem and cause self doubt firmly putting you in the drivers seat when dealing with them. The best attack is the critical attack, the one where you force someone to justify something about themselves or their personality.

A few good ones:

Are you stupid?
Are you dumb?
Why do you suck!
Can you do anything right?
Can’t you do anything right?
Why are you like that?
What did you do to your hair?


When you are attacking they are on the defensive and if they do not have a good defense, guess what? You win! They will wilt under your barrage and become a simpering idiot that is now firmly under your influence. Once you have broken them down you can build them back up to be anything that you want.


Be Loud

The squeaky wheel gets the oil

When you’re in a crowd who commands your ear? The loud ones that’s who! The louder you are the more attention you will get. Loud people are listened to. We may not agree with their opinions but we listen to them and that’s all part and parcel of being able to influence people. You may not win too many friends in the short term, but if you influence enough people the friends will follow.

Be Brash

This tactic can and is usually used hand in hand with “be loud”. It stands alone because to be brash does not always necessitate your voice. Body language can be used effectively on its own to display your brashness. The more brash and daring you are, the more respect you will garner from a general population that is meek and timid- you will be their hero. Try it some day, tell the establishment no! Teddy Roosevelt said it best, “walk softly and carry a big stick”. Think of all your favorite movie stars (especially action stars), athletes, musicians, they are all brash. Be like Billy Jack, be like Chuck Norris! Know you are good, feel it deep inside and let it flow through your very pores. Even if you’re just mediocre, people will like your style and flock to you.

Inspire Fear

I’ve often been told that you can use motivation or fear to get someone to do something. Motivation can be pretty expensive, but fear is cheap. Don’t worry too much about using threats or coercion, you can lie to offset any hostility. Just tell the person that it is for their own good and you wish things could be different or that the shoe could be on the other foot.

Here are some of the original notes that inspired the book:

Be Rich

The richer you are the better

Let’s face it, the days when people would take advice from a poor carpenter, an Indian lawyer, or a Baptist minister has long passed. Nowadays the quickest, most convenient, surefire route to winning friends and influencing people is the almighty dollar. With bucks you can tell people; how to eat, how to live, how to lose weight, how to be happy, how to exercise, how to make love, how, how how…
With mucho dineros you will be able to win more friends and influence more people than you may be able to handle. Look out for the pitfalls though, having a God-complex has led more than one of the rich and famous to an unhappy fate when somebody pointed out to them that in fact they are not God.

With all that money comes fame and power and the ability to have way too many friends to influence. The best part is that if you are a completely disturbed moronic idiot, at least you are a filthy-rich completely disturbed moronic idiot, and if you piss too many people off, you can pick up and make a second effort anywhere in the world that tickles your fancy.

Be Famous

The next best thing to being rich

Think about all those wonderful politicians and journalists especially the ones on TV telling the world what it ought to do. Think about all those people with their 15 minutes whose voices are heard because of fame. Fame is its own reward and can allow you the opportunity to win zillions of friends and influence untold more.
There are a few ways to become famous, most of which will be discussed in more detail later, but some that will not be are as follows:

- Look out for opportunities to save a life. Don’t tell the idiots that walking on thin ice isn’t safe, let them fall through, then save their dumb ass. Everybody loves a hero
- Commit some minor yet outrageous crime, oh heck commit an outrageous crime- some idiot will still love you and listen to you (enjoy your time in jail though).
- Be a one hit wonder at anything , you will forever be revered as the greatest thing since the vibrating joystick.
- Do stupid stunts
- Perpetrate an unbelievable scam or forgery

Remember though that fame comes at a price and it’s usually the same one as being rich; too many people want to be your friend and too many seek your influence. You lose your privacy to the up and comers who either want to be rich from associating with you or famous for beating or exposing you. Tread carefully, for these vultures will typically be using the same techniques that you did to achieve fame.

Now barring the rich and Famous route here the other routes to influencing and winning friends that you could try.

Stay Calm

How to beat the loud

Remember that everyone is trying to win friends and/or influence people so this is one tactic to deal with the loud ones. When you’re having a heated debate with a loud person, the closer you get to proving your point, the louder and more emotional they will get. They will literally try to shout down your point of view. Stay calm and rational and keep repeating your points, it will drive them completely insane. Eventually they will say they don’t want to argue anymore and give up leaving you with the last word. Be sure though to make it a short and sweet last word like nah nah nah nah na, I win! Then do your favorite football dance.


Be diplomatic

See lie

Diplomacy (as defined by www.dictionary.com )-
Dexterity or skill in securing advantages; tact. subtly skillful handling of a situation

Diplomatic (as defined by www.dictionary.com)-
Using or marked by tact and sensitivity in dealing with others.
Characterized by tact and shrewdness; dexterous; artful; as, diplomatic management.
skilled in dealing with sensitive matters or people


Diplomacy makes the world go around. Although not exactly the same as telling a lie, lies sometimes are a component of diplomacy- so is the truth. Sometimes you may really be telling the truth but only because you do want to hurt someone or you are setting them up to stab them in the back. Heck, you may actually mean what you are saying. You may not care about someone’s feelings but pretending to can take you far. Carnegie says to be genuine and sincere. I say be genuine when you are sincere and diplomatic when you’re not. Let’s face it, you may hate pate-de-foie gras, but if shoveling down a mouthful of it and saying how great it is will help you win a friend and influence someone, then what the hell; sing its praises loud and clear for all to hear. In any case being somewhat versed in the art of diplomacy will allow you manipulate, influence and win oodles of friends.

Be Forceful

Sometimes the best policy is the one of brute strength

Bullies may not be diplomatic, but they usually get what they want. Sometimes your size and strength are all that are needed to leave someone quivering in their boots as you steal from them blind. Heck some people even need you to be forceful in order to be their friend. This is their way of grabbing their own little piece of the influence pie. If A is afraid of B but is the best friend of B, then C and all the rest will be afraid of both A and B. Just remember that if you choose to be a bully, have a little courage to stand up to your bully status when confronted. Remember, you’re bigger and stronger.

Stand up

Shut the bullies down

On the other side of the coin, do not give in to bullies or they will hold it over you for the rest of your life. They will at the very least try to bully you at every available opportunity, thereby influencing every aspect of your life. Remember that bullies are cowards and will usually turn tail and run when confronted. Best to keep in mind that though bullies are big and strong, they are usually as dumb as a stone. If you need to befriend a bully in order to further your own goals, make sure you keep them on a short leash. Try to have a little something on them too, just in case, you never want to lose control of a bully. Be careful though, something about what happens when you play with fire.
The only exception to confronting a bully is if you need to blame the bully for your weakness. This is great if you really wanted to do something but can plead that you were coerced even though there was an element of pleasure in it for you. The bully will usually take the fall because they are usually too stupid to see the trap.


Be Weird

Dare to be different. People may laugh at you, they may even want you locked up if you’re completely off the wall. Try not to be a complete lunatic, unless your goal is to win friends and influence people in prison, negative respect is not always a great thing. Your creative side should definitely shine through. People love creative people. They are listened to and people pay them a lot of money. People will respect you for not following the same beat. They will look up to you for not being like them. So be weird, laugh out loud, dance without a care, write something, say something do something!

Be Shallow

Shallow people pay fastidious attention to their looks and appearance as well as your looks and appearance. They do this because most everyone else is shallow and pay attention to other people’s looks. Remember no matter where you are people will talk about how you look and what you wear. The people who are best at it may not win any friends but they will certainly influence people. Unless you really truly do not care what someone else says (and kudos to you by the way) then shallow people will affect you. They will change how you dress, groom yourself, eating habits, activity level; in short they can influence almost every aspect of your life. Hell, they can influence who you love, and all of their habits and manners.

Be Aggressive

Do not be afraid to go after what you want

The more aggressive you are the more likely that you will attain your goals. Mind you, if those goals are illegal or immoral then you may want to be careful of what you wish for and aggressively pursue. Aggression is a vital component of our will. It is what we use to try to overwhelm and dominate our opponents. We use our aggression to intimidate people and therefore influencing them. Being aggressive may wind up costing you a friend or two but it will certainly allow you to influence. And as with bullies you may even win one or two friends who want to fall under the protection of your aggression

Be Outspoken

Do not be afraid to let people know what you are going after, make sure you’re loud about it. Let them have your opinion, especially if you know you’re right. The meek may inherit the earth but not until the outspoken are heard from. Let’s face it, too many people sit idly by and take it up the whazzoo without uttering a single complaint publicly. If you have an opinion, regardless of your lack of tact, or oratory skills, get up and spew it. It doesn’t have to be loud or offensive it just has to be what is on your mind. You will definitely win a few and lose a few friends but all will have some measure of respect from all for making your voice heard.


Name Drop

If you know anyone of any notoriety or fame let other people know, they will listen with intense rapture of how you were rubbing shoulders with the rich and famous. Don't be shy about letting them know about how you may have helped those people achieve their notoriety and fame. Even if you were of absolutely no value to the person remember that you can lie. People will crave whatever knowledge you have of the rich and famous. Look at some of the most popular self-help books, sometimes they will say they helped some out of work mid level bureaucrat, but more often than not they are dropping big names. They will mention movie stars, tv stars, radio personalities, broadway stars, heads of states, sports personalities, CEOs and all manners of high ranking executives and personalities. Why? Because it is not in the self-help that the people are interested in but the interaction these people have had with their role models.
Even if you don’t know someone directly, you know them indirectly either through someone else or (wink wink) through research using the national enquirer, globe, and star. I mean really you can tell people that you were in Mexico back in the 90’s and you met Gloria Sassoon, you know Vidal’s ex-wife, on the beach with her daughter and her daughter’s friend. You could say that you hung out with Fred Durst and a bunch of the other Newport Beach nouveau riche. Heck you can even tell them that Angela Faye Smith brought you over to Rodmans, but unfortunately he wasn’t home and that’s how you ended playing pool with Fred, but on your next visist you did meet his wife and kid at his club, and you, Thaer and Rodman and his wife are supposed to take a trip to Vegas someday. Dropping names will get you far because they have the quality to enhance your story. And the next best thing to being able to win friends and influence people because you are rich and famous is to know the rich and famous.



Make Money

See be rich
Money is the measure of your self worth, if you have it people will respect and want to know you. If you have lots of it, you will never be short of friends. How does this differ from becoming rich, I don’t know, next topic!

Be Mysterious

The more fame and notoriety you achieve, the more you should withdraw from society. This will cause people to crave your attention and company even more and will feel blessed that they are one of the lucky few you allow into your inner sanctum. This will lead to even more fame and notoriety. This will greatly increase your status and push you into the rarefied air of legendary.
But that’s if you’re already rich and famous, if you’re just average (and to yourself you never are) you can still be mysterious. The one thing people enjoy more than a good story is a great mystery. After you have hyped yourself on the more mundane things say no more and let people discover you for themselves. You want them to say, I didn’t know you did this or can do that. This will set up opportunities for you to tell and exaggerate your story.

Be patient

People are generally stupid and have short fuses to go with their remarkably low wit. Be patient knowing that you are far superior to them. Be patient knowing that they just cannot help themselves. They do not know any better! Oftentimes they will just simply forget an issue leaving you with the freedom to do nothing. Let them scream themselves out, let them be angry, let them be distressed. Do nothing to defend yourself until you absolutely have to. Usually most bad, aggravating things just simply disappear.

Be Vague

Don’t ever offer too much information. Information is power, keep as much of it for yourself as possible, thereby making yourself essential to everyone else. Force people to depend on you, force them to ask you for the answers. Words are tricky and people will use them to hang you. The problem with most people who lie, cheat or steal to influence people is their intelligence. They are too stupid to know when to shut up! They blather on as though they can influence anyone in any situation and end up losing out to the patient, self-confident person. If you are asked a direct question answer it with as little detail as possible. There will be follow-up questions that you can use to expound on your story, with each one being answered as vaguely as possible.

Hold the Balance of Power

If you are the one that can green light a project, or make a deal happen, people will trip all over themselves to please you. You may just be a small player but if your cooperation is crucial then you will be able to influence a situation way beyond what was intended. Consider yourself lucky if you find yourself in such a situation, this kind of fortune doesn’t strike too often. Milk it for all it is worth. A great example of this is if you work for a company working on some big deal or that is experiencing unprecedented growth. The number one thing is to exaggerate your importance in the mix of things and gain whatever concessions you can from it. When things turn, people will not remember that you were an arrogant stick in the mud that forced the company to lavish you with wonderful gifts.
If you are a small country with something that the bigger more powerful country want, make them pay through the nose for your support. If you do not take advantage when you can don’t expect another opportunity if circumstances change. Do not expect to go back, and say ok, I’ll take the deal now. Strike while the iron is hot! Get while the getting is good! Mind you if you can stretch out a situation so that you can hold the balance of power indefinitely, by all means take advantage. Others may become jealous and resentful but they will still be your friend and you can still influence them because they need you.

Pass the Buck

Whenever possible blame others for whatever bad luck comes the way, especially in group situations. If you are in charge then your subordinates are to blame. If you are a subordinate, then your superiors are to blame. Even when there is indisputable proof of your incompetence and/or complicity, be sure to point out that the only reason that you are incompetent is that your superiors do not want to either pay for your training or will not allow you to upgrade your abilities on your own, or that they forced you to go along. Remember that sometimes being under a bully’s umbrella can serve your purposes.
The only exception to passing the buck is if it will generate a great deal of pity for you. Negative attention will sometimes work. It may make you seem noble especially if you couple that with blaming others. You know something along the lines of, it really wasn’t my fault but I will accept full responsibility for it because I am in charge!


Have a thick skin

Remember that people will try to use the same attack tactics on you, ignore them and know that they are simply trying to be better than you. When you have two equal attackers the one with the best defense will win the day. If you have a think skin and patience you should be able to weather any attack and then strike down your opponent. It doesn’t matter what they throw at you, let them talk about your mama, it doesn’t matter. Remember that it is only words and you are more immune to them than they are. Remember the word to use when buttressing your defense against any attack, WHATEVER!

Ask a Lot of Questions

Nobody has all the answers, and once they falter on a question you can make them look stupid. Remember that the human brain is a small very fancy computer that is vulnerable to information overload. If you ask a lot of question in quick rapid succession you will be able to gain the upper hand in any conversation. Most people are not witty enough to quickly process a series of questions and respond intelligently. Their brain will turn to mud once you’ve asked enough questions long enough and fast enough. They will either become upset or laugh, either way you now have them. They are under your influence.

Have an answer for everything

This is how to beat the ask a lot of questions technique, but it is difficult. Number do your best to not give them an opportunity to do what you would do to them, chiefly asking a lot of questions. Let’s say that they somehow get started, you must be prepared, you must have an answer for everything. As quick as they throw the question is as quick as you have to answer. The questioner will think you are smart, as well as anyone within earshot. Be careful though because once they have you talking it’s very easy to put your foot in your mouth, stay sharp. Answer only that which is pertinent to your well being, if you get a damaging question and there is no good answer or smart aleck comeback to deflect the question, then blow the question off by asking your own question. Why are you asking that usually will work and then you can keep asking the questions putting the other person the defensive. You can also refuse to answer a question, which will make the other person look as though they are prying or just being nosy.

Be Lazy

Lazy people find a way to get things done better, faster, and smarter. Lazy is efficient, it looks for the quickest best way to achieve the same result. People are generally lazy, they will always look for the shortcut. How many people wish they could just be hooked up to a computer and have all the information they need downloaded. The whole idea behind success is so that you can have more time to be lazy. Lazy people lay back and smell the flowers. Lazy people are admired, when you’re being lazy how many times do you hear I wish I could just lie around like that? Or, isn’t that the life? You’re damn right it is! And you definitely do want it. Using everything you have learned to strive for the ultimate- to be as lazy as possible.

Use frequent comparisons

If you compare people to others they will try to live up to those expectations. This is a useful way to attack and place people on the defensive, though it may not necessarily qualify as an attack. Your motives could be completely benign and in the persons best interest. One thing that people never want to see happen is someone with the same knowledge, and talent, succeed. It bugs them because they will think to themselves that it should have been them. They will use a lot of nasty tactics to try to justify their failures. If you can point this out to someone that someone of equal or lesser abilities is succeeding, it will automatically break down the other person’s self esteem. They will begin to question themselves and their abilities allowing you to exercise your influence. They will even be grateful for you pointing out how they should be able to do better than they are. They will call you an inspiration and remember you if they win any awards. This of course then allows you to drop a name.

If All Else Fails Play Dumb

Sometimes not knowing is your best defense. If they think you are stupid they will be more lenient when you make a mistake. I cannot stress how important this talent is. A well placed –REALLY- can take you a long way. Really, I didn’t know that; Really, she cares; Really, they like me; REALLY, REALLY, REALLY?! Repeat after me, REALLY!
Now think about how many people you know who have succeeded because they set the expectation bar so low that it guarantees them success. Surprisingly, people are shocked when they achieve these low expectations and proceed to reward them for it. Dumb is not as stupid as people think.
Dumb is a first resort for dumb people but a final resort for smart people. If you consider yourself smart and all goes to hell because of you then don’t be shy to say, I guess I wasn’t as smart as I thought. People will simply say, no you weren’t, and admire you for being so humble. This will, usually, be followed by forgiveness and a second chance. If you’re really good they may even say that you are as smart as you think you are, in order to avoid hurting your feelings. They will tell you that it couldn’t be helped, that the same thing would have happened to anyone under similar circumstances. People will sometimes revere a good loser more than a sore winner.

Deny, Deny, Deny

Try this before using the dumb defense. Remember that people generally are unsure of their own memory and can easily be manipulated into uncertainty, ask any good lawyer for cheap tricks in this area. Let’s face it, most people do not catalogue your every word for use against you later. Their memory is usually limited which is why they are where they are to begin with. Use the old, I never said! To which they will respond yes you did, and all you have to do is say that you never did and offer a reasonable alternative. They will cave, and think that maybe it was someone else and they are confused.
This even works when you say something on the record. How many times does a politician get caught with their foot in their mouth and then claim to have been misquoted or that the evidence was fabricated. Their willing loyal subjects back them up and the controversy ends. These people are masters of making you feel foolish for being right. You can be just like them by using the same tactics of denial that they use. Deny the allegations and if there is some hard evidence blow it off as fake or as a conspiracy. Claim to have been misquoted or at having your words taken out of context. Denial is a powerful tool, on your quest to influence people and win friends.

Always appear to be the good guy

As you put these thoughts into practice, remember to do these things with your good guy hat. People like people who are tough, strong, ruthless; but they love people who can be all these things in a self deprecating manner; someone who can make them laugh as they are being insulted; someone who can claim that it is being done for their own good.
Always wear your good guy hat, because nobody will like the evil bad guy, but they will fight for the good bad guy. Always be nice until it’s time not to be nice. Always be courteous and polite and generous; at least for most situations because that is what society calls for, even if you are an asshole. Remember that people have to like you to give you all their money so sometimes being the victim is not a bad thing.
Also, being the good guy is a lot easier than being the bad guy. Bad people can influence your life in untold numbers of ways, but they will never be your friend- unless of course, it is some how in your best interest. Good people can influence your life in the same ways and you will always want to be your friend. Being the good guy will is definitely the preferable way to be. People will respect you more for your achievements if you can do it without compromising your moral center. Remember be nice until it is time not to be nice, then destroy them! But try to do it in a nice way, where you can avoid any culpability in their destrruction.

Be Evil

If you find it absolutely impossible to be good all the time then be evil. People may hate you but they will hate you and most certainly respect you. More than one of the most hated people have been kept in gilded cages. Evil people have their admirers, in film, the stage and in real life. There is no plausible explanation for someone to like an evil person but some people do. It’s weird but it works. How many women shun the good guy to go after the evil guy. Evil is exciting, evil is fun, evil is interesting, evil is intense. Evil is always the center of attention. The thing that seems so overwhelming and that must be vanquished. Evil scares people thereby influencing them. Heck, some people, even enjoy being scared, they love evil.
If you need to be evil, consider the ramifications first. Being evil is not easy especially if you have been blessed or cursed in this case by a conscience. It may not be easy to lie, cheat and steal your way into influencing people and winning friends. It takes a very special talent for that. Most who try, fail and end up dead and unremembered. Some of the few who are very good at it end up as legends, remembered and revered more than most saints. It’s really weird but then so are people. If the evil thing will work for you, then go for it!


Stroke People’s Egos

Remember flattery will get you everywhere. Dish out the glop whenever you can even if you don’t mean it. Other people do it to you and even if you don’t feel that they are sincere it still makes you feel good. You can be insincere but believable if it will win you points. Remember that some people thrive on attention even if it’s negative. Words by themselves are powerful, and sometimes it is all that someone wants to hear despite your feelings. How many people do you know that actually care if you really love them, it’s as long as you say the words.
There are people who surround themselves with people whose sole responsibility is to stroke their egos. When you’re rich, famous and important enough you too can pull this stunt on your way to legend status. Remember that your words can break them down and build them back up.

Take Credit For as Much as Possible

Even if you only did a minimal part of a successful job, take full credit for that success. Remember to exaggerate in instances such as these. Conversely, if something fails, deny involvement; if you can’t, minimize your participation. You must always keep in mind that if you do not do this then others will be more than willing to steal your thunder. They will exaggerate their participation and the success of the mission and claim as much glory as they can for themselves. Very few people are willing to give credit where it is most deserved, for good or bad. That’s right, for bad. If the project fails and you have not bothered to distance yourself from that failure then you will get the credit, and also, bear the burden of responsibility. When a big deal goes to hell, the smallest cog in the wheel will bear an unusually large amount of responsibility.

Challenge People’s Egos

Challenge people’s egos they will try to prove you wrong. If you have to put them down, tell them that it’s ok, they can do better and they will try to live up to it. Don’t be afraid to criticize, it’s that negative attention thing that some people crave in order to be at their best. If you tell someone that they are not as good as they think they are the inevitable response is, OH YEAH! I’ll show you!
Don’t be afraid to insult people, they will get over it. If you tell someone they are stupid they will either, curl up into a ball and go into a catatonic state, or they will exasperate themselves trying to prove you wrong. Hopefully they can but they usually fail because you are usually right. At least you made them move their ass and try to be a better person. Now, if you challenge someone’s ego and they live up to it, don’t be too shy to stroke their ego, and be sure to tell them that you knew that they could do it.

Be Callous and Unemotional

It will help you to keep the big picture in focus. You may have to be evil to achieve your goals and being callous and emotional are necessary tools on that path. They are also useful if you know that the truth is going to sting real hard. Don’t pay any attention to their tears as they bawl their eyeballs out, you’re just doing what needs to be done. They will love you for it once you’ve mopped up the floor with them. Negative attention,! I cannot stress this enough, some people crave negative attention, look out for them. They usually end up being the most loyal, most forgiving people.

Whine

Sometimes the worse people feel about depriving you, the more likely they are to fill your desires. Think of little children whose parents give in to their every demand because the whining will drive them insane. Those parents still love their kids and people will still love you. As a matter of fact they will justify giving in to you by saying that they need to help you because you are needy. Little do they know that a master has played them. Remember that some people need other people and some people need to feel wanted. You will find that the more you whine the more people will give you what you want.

Attack when on the Defensive

It’s the best defense. This is a great tactic to use when it is not you that has initiated an attack. Another way to phrase it is to question your inquisitor.



Volunteer Other people

When you volunteer other people, they will find it very difficult to say no thank you, I don'’ want to help or I don'’ want to attend. When they angrily confront you, laugh it off, make a joke out of it. They will forget.

Early meetings, lousy assignments, etc...volunteer others and make them feel bad for even considering not accepting.

Conversely, do not volunteer if you are unsure of positive results. If you have no choice, then volunteer someone to share the pain.

Give Expected Advice


This is a tough one because sometimes you just really want to tell the other person exactly what you think they should do, namely make sure they don’t screw up that suicide attempt, it will put them out of their misery. But that would leave you one less friend and one less person to influence. Instead ask them what they think you should tell them and they will happily tell you what they want to hear. Take this info, rephrase it and spew it back at them, they will appreciate it.

A good one is to tell people to put their egos aside for the greater good while keeping yours firmly visible and evident to everyone.

Dave’s additions:

Be Vain


YOU ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS

Never go around with an inferiority complex, people will beat you over the head with it. If someone volunteers that you are good at something accept the compliment with a gracious, you are correct, yes I am.

BE BLUNT

PEOPLE SHOULD BE AWARE OF YOUR BOGGLE RATHER THAN HEAR IT FROM SOMEONE ELSE

Tell it like it is if that is what the situation calls for. Don’t be shy, say it right to their face, and with the brutal honesty that the situation calls for.

DON'T LET BAD MOODS SLOW YOU DOWN

If people see you in a bad mood they will label you as moody, even if it is one day out of the year. Better to watch them for their off days so that you have the upper hand. If you can’t help but being in a bad mood don’t let it interfere with your influencing. Mask it! If you need to pretend that all is great, then do so. Don’t give people the rope to hang you, because they will not hesitate.

HAVE A WORSE MOOD THAN SOMEONE ELSE

AT THAT MOMENT.

They will forget their bad mood soon enough and start referring to you as the grumpy one. Then you won’t have to listen to their whjining about why they are in a bad mood.



Back to me

Always question authority

Who wants to be compared to a nazi soldier saying that they were just following orders; unless of the course the shit really hits the fan, then you were just following orders and make sure you have a paper trail to prove it.

Besides throwing a few questions at authority tends to undermine the leadership while elevating your status within the ranks, but make sure you have the answers.

2000/03/14 More of the same:

Information Gathering

Gather as much info as you can on co-workers, especially that of a scurrilous nature. If you can’t defeat them with your talent and charm, then grind them up in the company rumor mill. Many people have lost not because of incompetence- quite the contrary, they were the smartest, best qualified for the job- but because they were destroyed by the rumor mill. Even if the rumor is not 100% true have one prepared, but the truer the better.

Conversely, guard your secrets well, because one day they will be used against you.

If it’s Offered, Take it

Many people are offered little things everyday and decline, they hold out. Take everything that is offered to you.



Make Demands

If you make demands, people will feel compelled to please you even if they feel you are being unjust or unfair. When you make demands either they can give in or negotiate. When you do make demands make sure to ask for the extreme this way the settlement will be closer to your original wishes.

-Speak

Speak more than you listen, then for sure it is your ideas being heard.

-Be Arrogant

You can intimidate others with your stature. If you’ve got it, flaunt it. Spread your peacock feathers, display your dominance and then act contrite and humble as you accept the applause and the accolades.

-Be a Good Actor

If you can play the expected role well, you will impress people.

-Have No Fear

Remember everyone else is just as afraid as you are, the best actors can be the most influential people because they can project self-confidence even when they are shitting their pants.

-Make People Feel Bad

Sometimes that’s the only way to make them move and accomplish a particular goal or task. It attacks their ego and their ambitions, two things people are desperate to have intact, plus it can motivate someone to either do something or change something.

-Become a Master at Apologies

This is one of the most important things you can do, it’s a license to do whatever you want. Naturally there are boundaries, but for the most part anything short of a major crime is fair game. If you can apologize convincingly, you can do anything. I’m sorry is the most underused words in life. Nobody wants to be sorry, nobody wants to hear it, but everyone is quite ready and willing to forgive and forget. Learn how to apologize convincingly (see acting).

-Catch People in a Lie

Challenge People to Always Tell the Truth and to do what you want them to do. They will usually comply if they can’t come up with a good reason not to. Otherwise they will have to face the reality of being called lazy, unproductive, unambitious- in general a loser.

This is something you can do to put in your back pocket. If you can catch someone in a lie once, you can force them to bow down and tell you the truth by threatening to call them a liar- why should I believe you, you’ve lied before?

-Be Stubborn

Other people will hold unretractable positions, so should you; then it becomes a battle of wills and naturally yours is stronger. But don’t fight unreasonable battles, let them have their minor victories, you go after the big ones, the one’s which are possible and paints you in a good light.

-Be honest

In contrast to the lying, always be prepared to tell someone of the wrong you are trying to do them if it’s in your best interest.

Eg. I am going to destroy you....

This way they may not take it too personally if they see it coming and there may not be any hard feelings.

-Insult

A good insult will score points by lowering the other person’s self-esteem in the eyes of others (use with caution).

-Be Amusing

This is an effective way of covering up if you are being incompetent or insensitive.

Eg: I’m just joking (kidding).


-Appear Helpless

People are always eager to help.

-No Guilt

If you feel guilt, you may not have the courage to do what is necessary.

-Show your displeasure

When you are happy you smile or laugh, conversely when someone really pisses you off there may not need to be a shouting match. You can show your displeasure by not talking or acknowledging the existence of the other party. This will let them know in no uncertain terms that you are displeased. Once the message has been fully received you can then reach out and be the good guy after having proved your point.

You can also voice your displeasure. People respect you when you tell them that they are pissing you off, plus they’ll tippy toe around you.

- Cheat when necessary

If it will improve your position, you won’t get caught, and there are no forseeable consequences, then just do it.
(I have reservations about this one).

Parse- be a stickler for the finer points in an argument

Play semantics- Know more words than your opponent in order to be able to hang them with their own words.

Be transparent- This tactic will only work if you are a runaway freight train. People can see you coming but they can’t do a damn thing to stop you.

Ask Questions- People like that, especially if they have the answers. Ask the question even if you know they have the answer, or more to the point especially if you know, this way they feel good.

Interrogate- It puts people on the defensive. They can’t think much less defend themselves if you’re on the attack.

If you can’t beat em, buy em.

Ask the question, why are you getting mad dude?